I wish someone had told me…
5.18.20
Do you ever have those moments where you say to yourself, "Man, I wish someone had told me this sooner!"? I have had many of those days the last few years when it comes to being a woman and all that entails. There are some days where I feel on top of it, and then there are others where I feel like I was given a gift with a billion little parts and no instruction as to what any of the parts had to do with each other and I was to put it together as best I could.
Obviously there was sex-education and health class in middle and high school, but to be honest, I don't remember much of it. And anything I do remember, hasn't helped me. For the most part, talking about the woman's body and health felt taboo as I was growing up. It felt weird and uncomfortable, almost like a secret, and at times it felt shameful and dirty. Periods? Gross. Sex? Dirty. Your body? Private. The two main contexts I'd had for any sort of conversation around these things were the media/culture, and church. And unfortunately, neither of those contexts really facilitated a healthy conversation about being or becoming a woman.
And not just logistically speaking, but mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually- the whole sha-bang. Honestly, I've spent a good amount of time the last few years asking myself, "Why did no one mention these things to me?" Or, "Why haven't I heard about this before?" or, "I never knew that these things could be connected." Granted, I think there are still things we are finding out about our health and bodies that have only been researched in the last ten years, so it may be that people are just starting to figure these things out. But there have been countless stories of shared experience where either myself or another woman has said, "Oh my gosh I didn't know that. My (doctor, mom, friend, etc) said it was nothing," or, "I thought I was the only one! Thank goodness I'm not!"
So here's to conversations with each other that deepen our understanding and knowledge of each other and our bodies. These are just some things I have learned in the last two years about bein' a lady, all of which I'll likely be talking about in more detail at some point later on:
Severe pain during periods and having to miss work, school, or social events is not normal. Bleeding heavily for 9 days and going through a heavy pad every 2-3 hours is not normal. It is not "just your period." Say it with me: IT IS NOT NORMAL. Don't let anyone tell you it is. If that is you, chances are something is off. Talk with your doctor.
I learned about the actual menstrual cycle, the different phases and what happens in each phase. I have learned different things that can affect menstrual cycles- including diet, exercise, hormones, emotions, sleep, mental and emotional health, medical conditions, etc. It is not just bleeding that happens every month and causes pain, instead it's what I'm coming to appreciate as a beautiful cycle that has purpose and intention and should be cared for and paid attention to just as much as any other part of our body.
Endometriosis exists. It is present in about 1 in 10 women (that we know of), and can cause severe periods. It impacts the quality of life in different ways and should be taken seriously. It is not "just your body," 20-something years of age is not "too young for anything to be wrong with your body," and you will not "get used to it."
Vaginismus exists. It is possible that you might not be able to insert a tampon, get a pap smear, or have intercourse because of an involuntary spasm that literally tightens the muscles in your vagina and blocks anything from entering you. It can be caused by chronic pain, past traumas, anxiety, or no known reason. You are not crazy, it is not your fault, and it doesn't just go away because you try harder to get something in there. It takes hard work, but healing is possible.
Sex can be painful, but it shouldn't be painful. I've heard so many stories about sex being painful for women, and this past year I finally heard for the first time that sex should not be painful. And if it is, there are ways to combat that and make changes so that it isn't. It might take some hard work, or a lot of hard work, but it is not meant to be painful or for the woman just to endure the pain so they can connect physically and sexually.
You have the ability to contract and release the muscles surrounding your vagina- you can have control. You will not be stuck with the inability to insert a tampon, undergo a gynecological exam or have intercourse forever. Again- this is not learned in a second, and it isn't easy. It takes some work. But with the right tools and resources and help, you can gain that control.
Anxiety and depression can affect your sex drive negatively. It's not that you don't love your spouse. You are not a terrible person- what's happening is your sex drive has been inhibited by the anxiety and depression suppressing your sex hormones.
Your pelvic floor muscles are connected to so many other muscles in your body which means it's important to have a strong, healthy pelvic floor! For instance, tension in the pelvic floor can cause migraines. Pelvic floor therapy has been incredible for teaching me so much about the whole of my body!
Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy exists. It is helpful for addressing vaginismus and incontinence. It also can help strengthen your muscles after surgery or childbirth. There are different ways that Pelvic Floor PTs can help you, and methods they use, but they work with you and the goals you have to give you the very best care and help for your body.
Miscarriage and infertility are, unfortunately, very common and can sometimes be linked to something so specific, and other times have no apparent reason. It's a heart-breaking reality, and many people experience it in their life.
I've learned so many random things about pregnancy (from friends) that I didn't even know were possible- I could write a whole article about it myself. But seeing as I haven't actually been through the process yet, I'll let them share.
I finally learned about my vagina, uterus, ovaries, and pelvic floor. I learned about the different muscles and tissue in and around the pelvic floor and what they're responsible for, how they feel, and where they're located. I learned how healthy (or unhealthy) function can impact other areas of your body.
I finally learned how to insert a tampon, do a Kegel, and control my muscle spasms because of dilator therapy, biofeedback, and manual work with my pelvic floor PT.
I've learned that conversations with other women are needed to learn more, and feel less isolated when there are questions, concerns, or unknown territories. I can't tell you how many women I've talked to who didn't know vaginismus existed, or that their severe periods weren't in fact normal and they didn't just have to push past it all and keep moving. I didn't know how common miscarriage and infertility is, and that sometimes you just don't have an answer or reason for it.
I want to share my own and other women's experience and learning with each other. That moment of human connection when you feel seen, heard, and known in something you've felt so alone in for a long time- it makes me want to pump my fist in the air and yell, "YES!" There's just a beautiful thing about hearing other people's stories that are similar to our own, and a relief washes over you. It reveals a comfort in knowing you are not the only one who is walking this road, even if they don't have the answers you're looking for.
In just sharing my own story, I've learned of many other women who have experienced or been experiencing the same thing. I think for all of us, knowing there's another person in the boxing ring with you, bridges that gap of isolation. For me, it gives me hope and perspective. Instead of saying, "I'm so alone, no one understands, what do I even do about this..." I can look over my shoulder and see others in it with me. We can share resources, we can share stories and hope of healing or answers. We can share grief and loss of things we thought we would have. We can share in the experience of fighting towards answers together, and encourage one another when we feel sad, anxious, hopeless, lost, or depressed.
There are also the moments where we hear the story of another person, and even if we can't relate to it, our eyes and hearts are opened up to something we didn't even know existed. Our perspective and empathy for the life and experiences of others grows in those moments, which I think is just as valuable as feeling heard and seen yourself.
I believe it is worth it for us to be vulnerable and share with one another the real, gritty moments of life that impact us deeply. We were made for community, we were made to build one another up and encourage each other, to lean on each other and ask for help, to share in our pain and our joy. To laugh with one another, and mourn with one another. We can't do that if we aren't being vulnerable and don't allow others into those deeper parts of who we are.
And on a more surface level that I think is just as important, I want women to know about their bodies and their health. It's important to spread awareness about anything from UTI's to miscarriage to fibroids to painful sex to women's anatomy- so that women can be more informed about what's happening with their bodies and actually know what steps to take to get the help they need.
I have a desire to grow in my sexuality. I want to learn and know more, and I want to become comfortable and confident in who I am, and how I was designed. I know that the Lord designed sexuality- and He designed it to be a GOOD thing. In the midst of the brokenness and pain I've experienced, it's hard for me to remember that sometimes. It's easier for me to be angry with my body, and hate myself because it's not functioning the way I think it should. It's easy for me to be shamed by messages or lies I've heard from others or myself as I've navigated through issues I didn't even know could exist.
But I have to continually remind myself that it's not supposed to be this way. There is brokenness and pain, and the dysfunction in my body is not my fault. There are answers, and there are resources available, and if there aren't answers or resources available yet- then we need to get the conversation going to find them! Most of the help and answers I've come across have been through random conversations with other women who knew someone who knew someone who was experiencing or had experienced the same things I am, giving me a starting point to research and learn more.
Let's learn and grow together. Let's not let the next generation of women grow up not knowing what the heck is happening with their bodies, stumbling around in the dark not even knowing where to start. In the ways we wish someone would have helped us in our own journey of becoming and being a woman, let's help others in those same ways.<3